In the last few months I have been torn between faith and doubt, belief and unbelief. I have been inhabiting a world of strange polarities. All or nothing.
I have read several serious books on the question of faith in general and Christianity in particular.
Bart Ehrman's books, "God's Problem" and "Jesus, Interrupted" have highlighted the differences in the various Biblical author's approach to the problem of suffering and the many different possible interpretations of the significance of Jesus' life and ministry.
I read Robert M Price's amusingly titled "The Incredible Shrinking Son of Man" as well as "Why I Became An Atheist" by John Loftus. I read, "What is the Point of Being a Christian?" by prominent Roman Catholic Dominican, Timothy Radcliffe, and then followed up by meeting with him in Oxford and talking about life and meaning over a couple of pints, an encounter facilitated by my dad, an Anglican priest...
I oscillate between shaky unbelief and tentative belief. I wrestle with questions of meaning and find no conclusive hook on which to hang my coat. No sooner have I taken root in a godless universe when suddenly a sense of eternity consumes me and calls me beyond myself.
On with the journey...
I have learned that all undesired habits are best changed by substituting another practice. For even bad habits serve some purpose in the mind and life. For me, Buddhism was that transiton -- not theological Buddhism, but the meditation practices and cultivation of emotions (which I still do). These were things actually thwarted in my Christianity because I could not swallow the mythology and theology. You might look at Vippassana Buddhist meditation.
ReplyDeleteOr, if you are soley the intellectual type and do not grab your Christianity from the heart, you might dive into ethics (see the Atheist Ethicist) and T.O.E. (theory of everything) and study Evolution for the awe of the intellect. It all depends on what sort of Christian you have been.
Funnily enough I did a 10 Vippassana retreat over four years ago...
DeletePerhaps I will blog about it here sometime, I'm going to take this blog up again...
I'm going through a very similar struggle right now, and have been for some years. I think we are somewhat hardwired for transcendence, maybe an evolutionary "pull" towards a transcendent consciousness.
ReplyDeleteHi, I left this blog alone for a long time but have just decided to come back to it and read your comment left two and a half years ago. I wondered where you are now in your search for truth?
DeleteBelieve me, brudda, I was an agnostic for maaany, maaany years... yet, then I thot WTF.
ReplyDeleteQ: if Jesus' up there and in our hearts, why did He save this sinfull mortal from my accident and let my beautifull, bombastic bombshell of a girlfriend perish? A: she HAD faith, I didnt. Now I do. Can you see it? How the world is FULLA glitter and glamour, trinkets and baubles, inexcusably distorted and contorted by the sly Snake?
FACT: what we do on earth, not God nor Satan... nor humanity, determines our destiny. Think about that. God bless you. Meet me Upstairs, brudda, and we'll gitta keg. B@peace